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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
As I was prowling the net for blogs a couple of days back, I chanced upon a blog by that of a Chemistry teacher who's currently teaching in the high school (or JC as we call it here) I graduated from. While reading the entries, well, I could not help but recall the bleak and miserable 2 years I spent there. True, I was from the no.1 JC. But my life there was far from smooth-sailing.
At that time, I was trying very hard for my Chemistry which really fascinated me a lot. It was a subject that I loved. For 2 years, even though I studied very hard for Chemistry I was failing throughout, including the school exam that I had before the A levels. I did my homework religiously, I read my notes thorougly, but to no avail. Initially, my belief was this: If I still failed, then it means that I haven't put in enough effort, so let me work harder and I'd definitely pass the next test. That happened over and over again, until one day, my teacher told me, " You are one conscientious and hardworking student, but I don't understand why you keep failing."
That really got me thinking: If I still fail despite working so hard, that it obviously has got something to do with my intelligence. And yes, there was a short period of time ( if I didn't remember wrongly, it lasted for less than a month or so) I really could not be bothered to do anything. I didn't do my work anymore, and neither was I paying that much attention to the lessons. To me, it didn't make a difference anymore, whether or not I did my work if I was going to get an F eventually for the next time. As mentioned earlier, I snapped out of that after a month or so. I really can't explain what made me snap out of it. Emotionally and physically, I was exhausted. I really felt like snapping. On the other hand, there was something within me that kept me going. I just found that I really could not give it up. So from then on, I was just studying (and still failing along the way) but I simply didn't harbor any hopes of passing (much less acing it).
Well I got my A for it eventually for the A levels. You might be speculating that I'd be very happy that I aced it. On the contrary, I was not happy at all. I felt like an utter idiot, for I was thinking, why is it that I have to take such a long and arduous path to ace it, while the others simply breezed through it? I felt, and still feel, that my effort was totally unjustified. Going by what the dissonance theory (effort justification) says, I am guessing that at that time when I got the results I should have "liked" my grade a lot. But well, on the contrary I somehow didn't/
Well, the 2 years caused a huge dent in my self-esteem, and it was not until not too long ago (about a year or so) that I "recovered" (My freshie grades were pretty sucky since I was stuck with stuff I hated and thought was a sheer waste of time.) But I guess, somehow or rather, that whole experience will leave a sense of bitterness within. It somehow is rather hard to put that feeling and experience down in words, but I guess this is the best that I can do.
*| 5:29 AM |*
