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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Got this from someone's blog. Will be adding some more stuff to spice it up. Here goes!
Of Moles and Tight PantsHaving been a student of Dunman High School for the past 4 years, I feel that I am qualified to speak on a prominent member of its staff. This man already has had many commentaries on him, and I am sure I cannot compare to some I have read, though I will try my best.
This man (of course you knew who I was going to talk about even before this paragraph) is none other than Mr. Kiw Sin Wa, the resident Discipline Master.
It is amazing indeed how 1600 students, at the very sight of a man in starched white shirt, tight pants and with a large mole on his oily face, quail in fear, or rather, run far, far away. It is odd, is it not? After all he is just a human being. All human beings are equal. No human being should be afraid of another human being.
Well, of course here would come in one of those conspiracy theories: Mr. Kiw is an alien.
That is true to a certain extent, though by "alien" I do not mean a greenish-yellow... thing with large protuberant eyes (though, I assure you, Mr. Kiw can make his eyes large and protuberant enough). This man has alienated all the students, and in my opinion, some teachers from him.
You must consider his way of thinking. I have no idea if he is just a diehard Chinaman or an irritating twat, but whatever it is you can tell almost by one look he is decidedly pro-Chinese. Appearances are very important in this world, and Mr. Kiw will have you remember that for the rest of your life, oh yes. His shirt is tucked in really deep, leaving only the permitted 2 fingers length outside. His shirts and pants are immaculately ironed, and he wears the same suit every day. (Hopefully he does wash them.) There is not a single hair on his body that is out of place (but more on that later). His shoes are shiny. Probably even his mole hair is combed. All is perfect save for one thing: his face is pretty oily. You know, sometimes I have the impression it shines in light. Maybe that's why he tells his classes to turn off the lights when he's around. Aha! Another conspiracy theory... I wonder if he knows about Johnson's& Johnsons Clean and Clear Oil Blotters.Perhaps some kind soul can buy a whole consignment of it for him as a farewell gift. That will move him to tears. Trust me, that will make him go down on his knees and tear, because of the immense gratitude that he is feeling having received such a huge gift. Maybe someone can offer this as feedback to the Student Council (euphemism for Kiw's cronies)?
It might be fine if Mr. Kiw just kept his ridiculously immaculate dress sense to himself. The problem is, he wants all his students to be neat and tidy (just like him, if you will). Well, let me construct the image of the perfect Dunman High student for you. This student would be wearing a shirt that's whiter than his. This shirt would be tucked into the pants or skirt so deep that it would seem that the poor student (if it is a guy) has his pants riding up into his balls. I mean, you can't allow much room if you pull your pants high, high up and your shirt low, low inside. There wouldn't be any... circulation. If it were a female, the blouse will be tucked so far in that it will appear that she has no torso and all she has are her twin assets. Think of those Malay girls from the neighborhood schools. They wear push up bras, and they tuck their blouse so deep in that all you see are their mammoth assets. What will he say if ALL DHS girls looked that way? Will he say that they deserve to get raped for looking like that? Anyway. This student's hair would be immaculately combed, with no fringe, and preferably a centre parting. For girls, there should be no stray strands of hair fringing the face, her hairband should be black, and she should have two ponytails and look like Baby Spice from the now defunct Spice Girls, or pigtails, like what you see in those films depicting China durinng the post Qing Dynasty period. Those girls from the villages sported long pigtails This student's shoes would be white canvas, and they should be washed every week, hell, every day for cleanliness. This student's socks should reach up to, say, the student's knees. Yep, that's about right. Wow. I do look forward to the day when Jap socks are allowed in DHS!
And the problem with having this image is that it just makes you look like a total nincompoop with zero (I repeat, ZERO) fashion sense. I mean, c'mon. Give us some space. Teenagers like looking good. And actually, I don't think I'd care if thirty years later, a classmate who never tucked her shirt in came to me and asked for a job. Unlike you, sir, I do not have a photographic memory, and besides, I too tuck my shirt out. I do not disagree with the fact that appearances are important, but overdoing it is a tad stupid. And Mr. Kiw, if you came to my company I wouldn't hire you. Your mole twitches too much, I'm sorry. And it is not just your mole. You are way way too old! But of course, I cannot reject your employment on grounds of age, as I'd get into trouble with the law. What I'd do is that I'd send your application to the paper shredder the moment I see that big fat 5-0
Another problem with Mr. Kiw is that he is just too damn... cheena. Forgive me, my grasp of English fails me. But there is no other word for it. He is the first and only person I have seen in a long time who possesses such an Oriental, old-fashioned viewpoint. He swears by Chinese philosophers. You know, that isn't such a bad thing in itself, because there is wisdom hidden inside the long, rambling books of these philosophers. However, to incorporate this wisdom into every aspect of everyday life is going overboard. And no, Mr. Kiw, I wouldn't like you to quote Confucius in that fruity, unctuous voice of yours. It's plain irritating. It's the way he says that China is rising, and oh, we should all learn Chinese so we can keep up with the times, so we can go to China and take a piece of the fastest-growing pie in the world. And then it's that intolerable smugness when he says China is now one of the greatest countries in the world because it possesses more - get this - airplanes - than any other country. Well, wow, that's absolutely wonderful. We should all go to China and build airplanes. Wow. I didnt know that the strength of a country is measured by how many AIRPLANES it has. But what's the point of havign so many planes when probably 50% of them will crash, are squeaky and are on the brink of collapse, are old and can probably hold only a few people? The truly great planes are those like the Airbus A380. If you are the country that has the most of such planes, then you are great. But one thing is, can you use such planes for military combat? Obviously no. These planes are merely sitting ducks! So judging the prowess of a country just by the no. of airplanes is ridiculous. It should be judged by how many nukes it has, how many air craft carriers it has, how many of the best fighter jets it has.
And no, I don't like Chinese thank you very much. I appreciate the fact that Chinese is important, but saying that we should all study Chinese properly so we can go to China and set up businesses there is like saying that if and when India rises we should all go learn Tamil, Hindi, Gujarati, Punjab and Urdu.
Then there is his notion that we are all "ordinary people". He has said before, if you [the students] are geniuses like Einstein, go ahead, break all the rules. He believes all students in Dunman High will become executives or managers, we will all stay in one kind of job, we have nothing special about us. Oh dear. Whatever happened to teachers developing our talent?
The fact is, Mr. Kiw is totalitarian and he knows it. He uses his power and authority to the max. Can anyone remember the look on Ms. June Loh's face after he told the Student Councillors to close the gates when all the teachers' cars were streaming in? He stopped the whole morning assembly to tell the school that the flag-raising ceremony has to be respected. Hmm. I see one little problem here. Who exactly was the one interrupting the ceremony?
Pardon me if I seem angry, because I am. I am angry that he shows us the full extent of his hypocriticalness during morning assembly, in front of 1600 students and 100 members of the staff, and manages to get away with it. I am angry that he thinks we are all of the same mould, and that he, of people, is the one who is moulding us.
However, I cannot deny that Mr. Kiw has provided us with a source of entertainment. As I mentioned earlier on, not a hair on his body seems to be out of place. However, as a few fellow classmates and I have found out, this is only true until he lifts up his arms. A veritable clump of dense black bush, indeed. Dense black bush that is an ideal hiding place for millions of microorganisms who are having a hell of a time because of the vast amounts of food available. Then the reproduce like mad, because of the food available. And after that when there is too much food and colonies of mircoorganisms you get a distinct and special smell being emitted. Wow. I also found out from another classmate that he was an athlete in his youth. Now, I cannot imagine how he would run a race without stopping all the participants halfway to chide them on their messy hair and untucked shirts... I digress.I think a sport that will suit him a lot is basketball. All he needs to do to get rid of the opponent player when he's trying to toss the ball into the basket is to lift up his unwashed-for-goodness-knows-how long armpits and the opponent is sure to back away. Anyway, the same few fellow classmates and I also realised that, even though his pants are extremely tight-fitting (they would totally ride up in the balls I assume) he is as flat as a washing board. Flat down the whole of his body, even where it counts. Now this has led us to make a few interesting conclusions. Either a) he wears very tight underwear, or b) he's castrated. Maybe his lack of a wiener has made him obsessive-compulsive about the way people dress. Maybe...
To conclude, I have a few suggestions for Mr. Kiw. I hope they can help him improve:
1. Shave off your armpit hair, for goodness' sake. Some girls are actually finding you sexy because of that.2. Get looser pants.3. Don't be such a twat. I know you dislike certain people, but there is no need to make an example out of them every single time.4. Please tell us whether you wear tight underwear or if you're really castrated.5. Try reading Western philosophers.6. Don't be a sad loser. No one finds China having the most airplanes in the world very shocking or interesting. No one cares anyway.7. Write more legibly. Your scribbles can be reproduced by a brainless chimpanzee.8. Tell us once and for all how many mole hairs you have.
*| 7:55 PM |*
